Thanks girls for your replys xx I've not been on be for a few days which doesn't seem like long but it's rather addictive and I used to have a noesy at peoples post constantly everyday! LOL anyway I stayed away for a bit coz I kept looking at the due in fen forum and baby and was feeling sad, the things we do eh?!
Anyway I've had quite a good week. I stay about two hours away from my parents and closest friends... I moved up about 3 yrs ago now to be with russel. Although I have been here for 3 + years the only 'friends' I really have are all through russel. During my pregnancy with Darcey I became pally with a girl who's daughter, eilah was born a few weeks before Darcey- anyway because of what happened things went a bit acward between us she obviously didn't no what to say/ do and I didn't want to upset her also I was terrified of seeing her with her healthy baby girl when I didn't have mines...
Anyway we met up for a coffe and a chat and I had a great time- she had her wee one with her and in a way I actually found it slightly healing in a way- I can't explain it but in some way it helped me accept that Darcey was gone and realise thier was no point or good in feelinng 'jealous' of other mums and babies... We had a really good chat- both of us had been worrying about how it was going to go but it went good it really helped to have a girl chat with someone who had an 'outside' picture. We have since been out for a few drinks and are meeting up again later in the week. Obviously there is going to be some 'ocwardness' but that's to be expected really. So I guess what I saying is kat you might not be the same but for me it helped to be around another baby, It helped me seperate Darcey from just any new born baby girl. Now I see my friend wee one as eilah and Darcey as Darcey, hope that makes sense and doesn't sound to wierd. Kat if u do decide to go see your friends babies-goodluck and let me no how u get on xxx
Hiya hun, Im So Sorry to hear about your beautiful girl Darcey. she will be playing with the other angel babies including my little boy who I lost on 2nd Dec 2008.And remember up there, there is no pain or anything. And it was obvious all our babies were too good for this place and god prefer them as angels...Take care of yourself and your partner, and look after each other. its tough but make sure u always talk and cry whenever you want thinking of you both. xxxxxxxx
i so sorry it must be such hard for you all send big hugs. We just lost nice to cot death 5 week ago and parent are find so hard to cope. At lest there baby angels to gether there.
hi, my name is claire, i am reading this with tears streaming down my face, i suffered 3 misscarriages before my son jack, i have been lucky i now have jack 4 yrs old and jessica 2 years old i am also 14 weeks preg, i am 24 yr old. i lost my sister 3 yrs ago.the pain u must be feelin must be overpowering as i have just sat and thought if i lost one of my children, i dont know if i could carry on from the second they r born they become ur reason for living. your baby girl will be up in heaven lookin down on you i will tell my sis to look out for her until u meet again. i am so sorry i cant say anymore that will comfort u or make this pain easier, when my sister died i thort i wud always hurt and cry everyday, the pain never goes u just learn to live with it, and it becomes easier. i know that is no good to you right now.
Hi Claire, thankyou for your message, although it doesnt take the pain away, it comforts me in someway to know people care. And I like the whole world to no all about Darcey and how special she is...
Sorry to hear about your miscarraiges, I suffered one before Falling pregnant with Darcey and although It wasnot nearly as heartbreaking as Losing Darcey, I can't imagine suffering 3 and still finding the courage to try again! Also sorry you lost your sister, my brother died when I was young so I don't really remember him but it still makes me sad-especially for my mum... I now 'feel her pain' so to speak! And yes thankyou I would like it if you ask your sister to keep an eye on her, I'm sure she will be causing havoc up there if she's anything like her mummy and daddy!
Congratulations on your pregnancy and off course Jack and Jessica! I love the name Jack!.... So cute. I bet they are keeping u busy. We have decided to try again asap- my consultant recomended waiting 3 months to give my body time to heal- when I say 3 months I mean 3 'cycles' so I am currently awaiting my third one.... Fingers crossed! The thought of being pregnant again terrifies me I just don't trust my body to keep my babies safe! But I know I won't be 'happy' in life until I am a mum so I won't give up no matter what. Hopefully the hospital will look after me well and all will be fine next time- I know It won't bring Darcey back but I think it will help 'numb' the pain.
Once again thanks for your post, it means slot that complete strangers take the time out to write a MSG, it also helps me control my 'baby expert' addiction! LOL take care, goodluck with your pregnancy xxx
I don't normally come into this forum but for aome reason I did. Your story is heartbreaking and you like all the others in this forum are so brave and strong. Darcey does sound like she was a special girl and is definatly with angels now xxx
Hi everyone just thought I'd let U all know how we got on at the follow up appointment, with the Dr, who was incharge of Darceys care at the hospital...
...the purpose of the meeting was just to go overthings and for him to answer any questions we had. To be honest I didn't really have any questions where as Russel had loads. Russels question were mostly 'what if' questions- what if this what if that. I'm not like that what's happened is done now so I don't want to 'torture' myself or Russel with 'what if's' Anyway he basically re capped the main things, that it took 19 mins to resusitate her(usually they would call it a day at 15 mins) but she gave out a 'gasp' which gave them hope. They then inserted a tube through her belly button to feed her drugs. He thinks the only main problem was her brain damage causing major problems to her bp(although it did rise for a while to an 'acceptable' rate it then dropped so low) to be honest I don't really undersand all off the medical terms etc. He told us that sometimes with conditions like this they look for underlying medical problems that were existent before the abruption but in this case he believes she was perfectly healthy and formed( which is some sort of comfort to me) So I guess that's that, he was a really nice Dr, before we left he was like... It always seems to be the couples we like that have to go through the bad things, and he said ' I can't believe I'm going to say this but... I hope you guys 'make' it through this awful time together... Because u seem so right for each other' . We thought that was so sweet-he didn't have to say that and I see it as a complement! LOL
So atleast now we know nothing differant could have been done, to save our baby girl and that eveyone gave there all... Xx
i'm glad your meeting went well with him, and that some questions got answered.
if you- or Russel - need any help with the medical terms then let me know - sometimes it is difficult to go through the meetings themselves without the added burden of medical terminology!! - it was part of the reason i wanted to be on this forum - if i could help in any way!!
Nina- thankyou for your message, as I've said before, the fact that complete strangers take the time to leave thief condiolances(sp?) means alot xx
Ollie- thankyou for the offer of your knowledge, LOL! I think we are ok though Russel understands a little more than me, it's all just very confusing and hard to listen to what the poor we thing must have went through-what I went through was nothing compared to her, she was so brave and I am very proud of her. Sometimes I just think god what the hell must have been going through her head and I wonder If she was in pain, it's horrible because I know I will never get the answers to those questions and to be honest I don't no if I'd want to know- it's easier not to think about it! Yes not long now until we will be TTC, although we are thinking of holding of for a month or two extra, as much as I want to be a mum and not sure if my stress levels can cope with the worry of being pregnant again right now, ;-( I don't want to rush into it and 'regret' it later, although I know whenever or however it happened I would never 'regret' it, I just want to do what's for the best. I suppose my heart tells me to go for it and my head is telling me to hold off for a bit! So we will see... I'm a great believer in what will be will be! Anyway thankyou- you are a lovely girly! xxx
I hope people don't mind but I have been struggiling over the last few weeks and I wanted to put down a few words...
To Darcey,
I can not believe that u would have been 7 months old now... I bet you would be such a cheeky little monkey, I miss u very very much and for the last few weeks have really been struggiling to deal with the fact that for the rest of my life, I can't see u and be your mummy, the way that I was supposed to be. Mummy isn't very good with words and sometimes I try not to think about you, not because I don't love u but because it hurts to much... Somedays I sit and think about what we 'would' have been doing and how u would have looked, well I know how u would have looked, you were the double of your daddy and when I look into your daddys eyes, I see a part of you. Sometimes I speak to you, and I really hope you can here me, sometimes I reach out to you and sometimes I sing to you, I sing you favourite songs, the ones daddy would sing to my belly when he got home from work... I hope I am making u proud, I hope I haven't done anything to annoy you, sometimes mummy and daddy argue but we don't mean the horrible things we say, you are always going to be our gorgeous perfect baby girl, you have fun playing with the angels. Miss you xxxxxxxxx
Oh hun, I have just read your post and am in floods of tears. I jdont know what to say other than i am just so sorry for the loss of your beautiful baby girl Darcey. I am positive she can hear you talking to her, and she knows just how much you both love her and will always love her. Lots of love xxx
i am also here sheding a tear (well actually quite a few tears) over your story... what you went through i cannot even begin to imagine... i have always known how lucky i am to have a healthy litte girl.... but when you read something like this it does things that i cant even begin to put into words myself.. you are so brave and so strong.. i know if i was in your situation i would have completely crumpled... you have shown such courage and honesty in your words i know your beautiful little girl who was a fighter just like her mummy albeit in her very short life, is so very, very proud of you! you are a credit to her and i truely hope that you finally do go on to give darcey a little brother or sister who will know how incredibly brave their older siser was and how lucky they are to have her watching over them forever.. you are an inspiration and i wish you all the luck in the world.... xxx
Well I have just read through the whole thing again and it's so wierd, how in one way I feel like I am sitting Reading someone elses story and then I realise 'oh that's my story'. If that makes sense. I am just thinking I'm glad I wrote my thoughts etc down, I suppose they will always be here for me to read and remember, not that I'm going to forget.
I just want to thank everyone again that messages me with lovely messages of support, poems etc.
Two years... Today should be your second birthday. We should be having a birthday tea, baloons, cake, toys and music. I wish i could see your face, i wonder what you would look like, i wonder what you would like. I know you would be amazing, a very special little girl. I love you. And miss you every day. Your little sister is amazing, getting big! We went to your grave today and left you some flowers sleep tight beautifull xx
Replies
Anyway I've had quite a good week. I stay about two hours away from my parents and closest friends... I moved up about 3 yrs ago now to be with russel. Although I have been here for 3 + years the only 'friends' I really have are all through russel. During my pregnancy with Darcey I became pally with a girl who's daughter, eilah was born a few weeks before Darcey- anyway because of what happened things went a bit acward between us she obviously didn't no what to say/ do and I didn't want to upset her also I was terrified of seeing her with her healthy baby girl when I didn't have mines...
Anyway we met up for a coffe and a chat and I had a great time- she had her wee one with her and in a way I actually found it slightly healing in a way- I can't explain it but in some way it helped me accept that Darcey was gone and realise thier was no point or good in feelinng 'jealous' of other mums and babies... We had a really good chat- both of us had been worrying about how it was going to go but it went good it really helped to have a girl chat with someone who had an 'outside' picture. We have since been out for a few drinks and are meeting up again later in the week. Obviously there is going to be some 'ocwardness' but that's to be expected really. So I guess what I saying is kat you might not be the same but for me it helped to be around another baby, It helped me seperate Darcey from just any new born baby girl. Now I see my friend wee one as eilah and Darcey as Darcey, hope that makes sense and doesn't sound to wierd. Kat if u do decide to go see your friends babies-goodluck and let me no how u get on xxx
Im So Sorry to hear about your beautiful girl Darcey. she will be playing with the other angel babies including my little boy who I lost on 2nd Dec 2008.And remember up there, there is no pain or anything. And it was obvious all our babies were too good for this place
Darcey will be remembered on here along with our other Angels.
Big hugsxx
your baby girl will be up in heaven lookin down on you i will tell my sis to look out for her until u meet again. i am so sorry i cant say anymore that will comfort u or make this pain easier,
when my sister died i thort i wud always hurt and cry everyday, the pain never goes u just learn to live with it, and it becomes easier. i know that is no good to you right now.
love n hugs sent 2 u both xxx
Sorry to hear about your miscarraiges, I suffered one before Falling pregnant with Darcey and although It wasnot nearly as heartbreaking as Losing Darcey, I can't imagine suffering 3 and still finding the courage to try again! Also sorry you lost your sister, my brother died when I was young so I don't really remember him but it still makes me sad-especially for my mum... I now 'feel her pain' so to speak! And yes thankyou I would like it if you ask your sister to keep an eye on her, I'm sure she will be causing havoc up there if she's anything like her mummy and daddy!
Congratulations on your pregnancy and off course Jack and Jessica! I love the name Jack!.... So cute. I bet they are keeping u busy. We have decided to try again asap- my consultant recomended waiting 3 months to give my body time to heal- when I say 3 months I mean 3 'cycles' so I am currently awaiting my third one.... Fingers crossed! The thought of being pregnant again terrifies me I just don't trust my body to keep my babies safe! But I know I won't be 'happy' in life until I am a mum so I won't give up no matter what. Hopefully the hospital will look after me well and all will be fine next time- I know It won't bring Darcey back but I think it will help 'numb' the pain.
Once again thanks for your post, it means slot that complete strangers take the time out to write a MSG, it also helps me control my 'baby expert' addiction! LOL take care, goodluck with your pregnancy xxx
Darcey does sound like she was a special girl and is definatly with angels now
xxx
...the purpose of the meeting was just to go overthings and for him to answer any questions we had. To be honest I didn't really have any questions where as Russel had loads. Russels question were mostly 'what if' questions- what if this what if that. I'm not like that what's happened is done now so I don't want to 'torture' myself or Russel with 'what if's' Anyway he basically re capped the main things, that it took 19 mins to resusitate her(usually they would call it a day at 15 mins) but she gave out a 'gasp' which gave them hope. They then inserted a tube through her belly button to feed her drugs. He thinks the only main problem was her brain damage causing major problems to her bp(although it did rise for a while to an 'acceptable' rate it then dropped so low) to be honest I don't really undersand all off the medical terms etc. He told us that sometimes with conditions like this they look for underlying medical problems that were existent before the abruption but in this case he believes she was perfectly healthy and formed( which is some sort of comfort to me) So I guess that's that, he was a really nice Dr, before we left he was like... It always seems to be the couples we like that have to go through the bad things, and he said ' I can't believe I'm going to say this but... I hope you guys 'make' it through this awful time together... Because u seem so right for each other' . We thought that was so sweet-he didn't have to say that and I see it as a complement! LOL
So atleast now we know nothing differant could have been done, to save our baby girl and that eveyone gave there all... Xx
i'm glad your meeting went well with him, and that some questions got answered.
if you- or Russel - need any help with the medical terms then let me know - sometimes it is difficult to go through the meetings themselves without the added burden of medical terminology!! - it was part of the reason i wanted to be on this forum - if i could help in any way!!
hopefully ou will soon be ttc - good luck!
kisses to Angel Darcey!
xxxxxxxx
Ollie- thankyou for the offer of your knowledge, LOL! I think we are ok though Russel understands a little more than me, it's all just very confusing and hard to listen to what the poor we thing must have went through-what I went through was nothing compared to her, she was so brave and I am very proud of her. Sometimes I just think god what the hell must have been going through her head and I wonder If she was in pain, it's horrible because I know I will never get the answers to those questions and to be honest I don't no if I'd want to know- it's easier not to think about it! Yes not long now until we will be TTC, although we are thinking of holding of for a month or two extra, as much as I want to be a mum and not sure if my stress levels can cope with the worry of being pregnant again right now, ;-( I don't want to rush into it and 'regret' it later, although I know whenever or however it happened I would never 'regret' it, I just want to do what's for the best. I suppose my heart tells me to go for it and my head is telling me to hold off for a bit! So we will see... I'm a great believer in what will be will be! Anyway thankyou- you are a lovely girly!
To Darcey,
I can not believe that u would have been 7 months old now... I bet you would be such a cheeky little monkey, I miss u very very much and for the last few weeks have really been struggiling to deal with the fact that for the rest of my life, I can't see u and be your mummy, the way that I was supposed to be. Mummy isn't very good with words and sometimes I try not to think about you, not because I don't love u but because it hurts to much... Somedays I sit and think about what we 'would' have been doing and how u would have looked, well I know how u would have looked, you were the double of your daddy and when I look into your daddys eyes, I see a part of you. Sometimes I speak to you, and I really hope you can here me, sometimes I reach out to you and sometimes I sing to you, I sing you favourite songs, the ones daddy would sing to my belly when he got home from work... I hope I am making u proud, I hope I haven't done anything to annoy you, sometimes mummy and daddy argue but we don't mean the horrible things we say, you are always going to be our gorgeous perfect baby girl, you have fun playing with the angels. Miss you
Sending you a massive hug x
I am positive she can hear you talking to her, and she knows just how much you both love her and will always love her.
Lots of love xxx
I just want to thank everyone again that messages me with lovely messages of support, poems etc.
Thankyou xx