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I'm 36 years old and am a professional working person, home based with a decent healthy life.
I am almost 8 weeks pregnant, my boyfriend has presented me with a number of issues over the past 3 weeks and quite frankly is alarming me. The pregnancy wasn't planned as such - we've been seeing each other since just Janurary but have been living inside each others pockets up til recently - but we weren't using contraception and he'd said i would get pregnant and have a child with him. This has obviously happened. To the public he declares he doesn't want any more children at the moment or sometimes ever.
Since then, he's said he will support me, by that he actually means financially and will not commit at this stage to anything else and when I try and talk to him about it i get told i'm a bully and giving him ultimatums. I have said that its important to me to know that i won't be on my own and i don't want to be on my own when the baby is born - due just before Christmas. He's said he needs more time - i've said there's never going to be a right time - I get called a bully. His attitute has changed significantly over the pst 2-3 weeks, his Jewish mother is influencing him - he is 50 years old! - and 3 male friends who are all part of a disastrous spiral of relationships who keep telling him that i've trapped him when this is not true. I've said to him that i don't think its fair on me - even though ethically i don't agree with abortion - for me to have the baby if we're not going to live together and bring it up 2gether, he says the times not right he's got too much going on. He tells me he loves me, I say that if he loved me we would not be having conversations like this but moving forward together. I've told him - which he implies is threatening - that if i have to have an abortion, I will not continue to go out with him on principle regardless of any love between us. I'm self employed so i can't have a lot of maternity leave, my flat isn't that big so I would have to move somewhere else and he's said he'll pay for a nanny. I'm all over the place and am not being able to enjoy what should be a very happy time. I don't know whether I should have an abortion or not, my parents are very concerned and my friends because they don't want me to be put under undue pressure without the proper support of my partner. Any help hints advice greatly appreciated x
I am almost 8 weeks pregnant, my boyfriend has presented me with a number of issues over the past 3 weeks and quite frankly is alarming me. The pregnancy wasn't planned as such - we've been seeing each other since just Janurary but have been living inside each others pockets up til recently - but we weren't using contraception and he'd said i would get pregnant and have a child with him. This has obviously happened. To the public he declares he doesn't want any more children at the moment or sometimes ever.
Since then, he's said he will support me, by that he actually means financially and will not commit at this stage to anything else and when I try and talk to him about it i get told i'm a bully and giving him ultimatums. I have said that its important to me to know that i won't be on my own and i don't want to be on my own when the baby is born - due just before Christmas. He's said he needs more time - i've said there's never going to be a right time - I get called a bully. His attitute has changed significantly over the pst 2-3 weeks, his Jewish mother is influencing him - he is 50 years old! - and 3 male friends who are all part of a disastrous spiral of relationships who keep telling him that i've trapped him when this is not true. I've said to him that i don't think its fair on me - even though ethically i don't agree with abortion - for me to have the baby if we're not going to live together and bring it up 2gether, he says the times not right he's got too much going on. He tells me he loves me, I say that if he loved me we would not be having conversations like this but moving forward together. I've told him - which he implies is threatening - that if i have to have an abortion, I will not continue to go out with him on principle regardless of any love between us. I'm self employed so i can't have a lot of maternity leave, my flat isn't that big so I would have to move somewhere else and he's said he'll pay for a nanny. I'm all over the place and am not being able to enjoy what should be a very happy time. I don't know whether I should have an abortion or not, my parents are very concerned and my friends because they don't want me to be put under undue pressure without the proper support of my partner. Any help hints advice greatly appreciated x
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This man needs to strap on a pair! He made you pregnant so he needs to deal with the consequences. You are not a bully, you just quite understandably want some answers! If he is willing to support you financialy then thats good, and as for being alone when the baby is born I'm sure your mum or friend would be there during the birth.
I found out I was pregnant with my first when I was 15 and doing my GSCE's and the dad didnt want to know. I now have a beautiful little 4 year old girl and I wouldnt change a thing.
I suggest you sit down with the father and make a decision as to whether your going to stay together and if not, then how will he support you and the baby.
Good luck hun
xxx
I agree with the others - make this decision for yourself. If the bloke wants to be a part of it then all for the better. He knew there was a strong chance of pregnancy so is morally and financially responsible alongside you, but the level of his involvement is a lot less black and white. Bear in mind, the reality's probably hit him hard. However, this is a 50 year old man still getting cues from his mother so prepare to be the adult in the relationship, if it continues.
If you want the baby it sounds like you're fully capable of raising it. You know it'll be hard on your own, but you're a strong independent woman and can manage it.
If you're swaying towards abortion, get the ball rolling as soon as possible and seek counselling. Take care and good luck! xx
Equally, if you decide to terminate, then do think it through carefully (i did this 9 years ago and it was my biggest and only regret)
Either way, regardless of whether this relationship survives or not, it sounds like you have a good circle of friends and a supportive family around you that will be able to offer you the emotional support and love that you need to enable to help you through whatever you decide.
Good Luck, i hope you make the decision that is right for you
He willingly had unprotected sex, he said you would get pregnant and have a child with him - time to wake up and accept his responsibilities, I think.
However, you are the number one priority here and you need to think seriously about your options and your wishes. Do you want the baby, do you want to have it potentially on your own, where else can you get support?
No answers in there but you are the only one who can answer a lot of the questions.
Good luck
I've not slept, my boyfriend has rang me quite a bit, i've cried a lot and am upset and unsure of what i want to do. I've made an appointment through bpas locally but have to wait 14 days for initial consultancy - i'm horrified at the thought of being under general anaesthetic and appauled at the procedure. He is adamant that the timing is not right for him, we're made for each other, he loves me and thinks i'm being very manipulative and horrible with my thoughts and feelings particulary with my comments about 2 of his friends who have said that i've trapped him. He said i'm being too demanding wanting too much from him too soon and i want to control everything. He has said that in a couple of years time things will be different and i should have the sense to give him that time and then we can have a child. I've said that there is never and will never be a right time, there's always something in the way. I've said in floods of tears and upset words - he's said he wished he had a tape recorder so I could hear how nasty i am being - that if he loved me like he says he does this decision to encourage me to abort would not be occuring he would be 100% supporting me and we'd be going forward 2gether. Instead he wants me to abort and carry on with the relationship and be patient. I have said that i cannot carry on a relationship if i'm aborting our child - he called me threatening and childish for saying this.
My parents, best friends and my brother cannot believe that my boyfriend intends for me to abort and continue a relationship with him or that he can say he loves me and that due to his timing alone we terminate.
Support from my Friends - he is not interested in what any of my friends, parents or brother have said. He is appauled that i've involved them in this decision making process.
I really do not know what i want to do, having cried most of the night, the thought of an operation frightens me and the thought of bringing up a little child on my own, spending Christmas effectively on my own with a new born baby - i know friends and family will be around me - completely scares me. I'm on a relatively new contract with my work and am concerned about the impact of me saying i'm pregnant 4 months into the deal. My boyfriend (I can't believe i'm even calling him this at the moment) has said he'll fund a nanny (he said i want too much when i said i didn't want some second rate nanny i would require someone qualified and educational) so i can carry on working. Although he has said he will support me financially, this is not what i'd intended as the vision of bringing a little person into the world and nurturing them.
Any more thoughts greatly appreciated xX
Good luck hun
-x-
I have to say, my thoughts on your 'boyfriend' are not the most complimentary. He doesn't seem to know what he wants either - he wants you to terminate but is prepared to fund a nanny?
Sounds like this guy wants to have his cake and eat it - does he know how babies are made, what did he think was going to happen when 2 consenting adults had unprotected sex, or does he just want the condom free sex without the responsibilities?
I said it before but you need to decide what you want, not be forced into doing what he wants. Do you want to terminate? If not, don't be forced into it, you are 36, if the time is not right for a baby now, when will it ever be right?
You say if you have to terminate you will not go out with him on principle, so you will be left with neither him nor baby - bringing up a baby on your own is not the worst thing that could happen here. Staying with this clown who won't accept his responsibilities and is trying to force your hand could be.
All we can do babes is give you our thoughts, the decisions have to be yours. It's easy for us to make judgements when we are not in the situation.
Give yourself some breathing space form him for a couple of days, go to your folks and sort out what you want, not what he wants.
Plenty more men out there but babies are precious.
Good luck
xx
Yes, bringing a baby into the world is a big step and an even bigger step if you do this on your own.......but it's not impossible and I know plenty of mum's who do a grand job on their own (and some dad's too!!). What you need to think about is 1. how you will feel in yourself if you terminate, 2. how you will feel about him if you terminate & 3. can you really see this relationship lasting either way regardless? I don't think you're being unreasonable at all hun, in fact, he is behaving extremely childish and demanding. I don't know about him taping you so you can hear yourself - you should tape him!!
The thing you need to remember is you seem to have a very good support network in friends and family so you won't be truely alone. Regarding ur employment, well, there's not a lot they can do - these things happen. Best thing would probably be, if you decide to go ahead with the pregnancy, arrange a meeting with your boss, explain the situation. Although some companies are still narrow-minded when it comes to pregnancy, some are pretty good. You mite be able to get everything arranged without any hassles - maybe even do part time for a while if necessary when you go back to work?
Basically, the main thing for you right now is to have some time to yourself, without ur 'bf' putting his demands into the equation. You need to get ur own head straight 1st hun.
xx
The fact is, you both knew what you were doing when you had unprotected sex so you have a responsibility here too. I'm not judging you because maybe you believed that he wanted kids and you wanted the same. But it's risky when you've only been together for such a short period... He isn't the man yo thought he was. And it doesn't sound like he'll ever be.
Do you really want this man telling you what to do and controlling you for the rest of your life? It's easy to say that you should leave him and I realise it wouldn't be easy but the alternative is to be with someone who has treated you terribly at a time when you need support, he is trying to cut you off from friends and family, and he is making decisions for you. That could be the way it is forever. Do you really want that?
You have a huge decision to make and it will need time. Don't be forced into an abortion but face the reality that he may not be there for you afterwards. And if he is, he's likely to be controlling you and the baby...
xxx
As for your boyfriend, he's got to go. Love is not selfish, childish and spoilt - it is giving and considerate and selfless. He hasn't displayed any of these charateristics to you, let alone your potential child. You deserve better.
Good luck with it all and let us know how you get on
rebecca xxxx
At 50 if he says your pregnancy as come at a wrong time while having unprotected sex, then bullying you when pregnant, he will never be ready. I once had an ex like this. He wanted us to start a fam, then I stop pill he got scared. I go back on pill on wanted unprotected sex!
consider this...
If you keep baby
1 - You may lose him (but do you really want a man like him)
2 - Family and friends will support you
3 - You get a beautiful baby at the end
4 - Your life will change
5 - Good or difficult times ahead (normal part of life)
6 - The pain of this man's behaviour will fade and someday you meet someone wonderful
If you don't keep baby
1 - Will you be able to forgive this man
2 - Will your relationship last if you stay with him
3 - Whether you stay with him or not, will you forgive yourself
4 - Will the pain ever fade away
5 - Difficult times ahead, but pain of loss of baby may make it worse
6 - You may over time begin to forget the pain of loss of baby and BF
Sometimes, bad things happen and we don't know why it's happened and feels like life is difficult and will always be. Remember that one day you will look back, smile and glad that you were strong whatever decisions you make.
I have friends who fell pregnant within 3 months of getting together. They now have a 3 year old and a 6 week old and I'm sad to say that she is living with her parents now, although they have not officially seperated. She has yoyo'd back and forth so much I cannot begin to imagine the effect this will have on the kids as they grow up and have masses of sympathy for them but at the same time am not surprised that things have gone this way as they never had time to really get to know each other before having their first and thoughout the excitement of new baby didnt realise that they actually dont like each other much!
If you want to keep this baby you should but should also be prepared to live as a single parent in case your relationship doesn't work out and he becomes a weekend or even absent dad. Again I'm sorry if it sounds cold to say that and I do sympathise with a very difficult situation.
xx