parents...!!

my mum is really doing my head in!! i have arranged a night in for new year and she keeps tellin people she is babysitting!! no she is not! i am staying in with my baby! i think she thinks shw is gonna have him alot and she really aint.. its doing my head in now. she keeps going on about being at the birth and stuff and to be honest i felt bad at first cos i didnt want her there, bu i have told her nicely and now its just peeing me off!! grr! just needed to get that off ma chest!

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  • poor u! just remember she is excited about being a granny, and tbh my mum did my head in when i was pregnant, now she is the most fab granny, drives 2 hrs here and home again every two weeks to see us! try not to stress about it. tell her what u want to do for new year, how excited you are going to be seeing in the ny with your lo etc, she'll get the hint. u are going to be the mum, u need to take charge, don't let her take over! good luck! xx
  • Grrr that must be sooo annoying! I know how u feel - I'm only nearly 15 weeks and people are already tellin me what to do! Apparently i can't give my kid sugar-free juice or have it wear disposable nappies according to my mum *groan*...shouldn't breastfeed according to partner's mum...and my gran wants me to get a pram from an antique shop! Shut up I will do what I want with MY baby!

    Sorry went off on 1 there! Don't let her get you down just explain what you want. Of course u want to spend time with your new baby - but at least shes there for babysitting if u need it I suppose. xxx
  • lol! Oh dear, I think I would be experiencing the same but thankfully I live in Norway and both sets of parents live in the UK!! I have my mum coming over next week as my oh is going away on a training course for a few days, she wants to make sure I am being looked after. She is fab though so I am really looking forward to it. There is no way any of them will be at the birth, and we have said that we will invite people once we are ready for visitors but other than that we will have a visit back to the UK at Easter for everyone to see the baby.
    My MIL has already started dropping hints that her grandchild isn't going to know her etc but I have just said that it is important for me and my oh to bond with our new baby on our own. I am sure there will be times when I would love my mum to be around to cook tea, or give me an hours peace, but I think it is worth giving up that not to have all the hassle of people coming to stay when I have a newborn to look after!!
    I would just be honest with your mum about how you feel, I know what you mean about feeling bad as I often think maybe we are being selfish, but at the same time its really not something you want to be stressing about.

    My MIL has also said that maybe we can leave our lo with her for a week in the UK so we can go and see friends etc!! I didn't comment but I was thinking 'over my dead body!!'. lol!!

    L xx
  • I'm sure I'm going to have similar problems..think my mother will be thinking she's going to have the baby over lots (no way... we won't be ready to let people take him for a long while) and both sets of parents already aren't listening when we say no visitors after the birth.

    I think you just have to put your foot down and keep being consistant with telling them what you want and hopefully the message will sink in! I have a bad feeling though that I'll end up falling out with either my mother or hubbys dad if they don't listen to our wishes..

    And as for people telling what we should be doing...if my mum tells me one more time about the evils of dummies we'll probably fall out... and i'm sure she won't approve of the cute cloth nappies we just bought...terries were good enough for her...so we should be using them too!!

    Oh and Liz...i'd be thinking the same thing if anyone suggested leaving baby with them for a week.. I'm already dreading hubbys brothers wedding next august.. i'm sure there will be a whole bunch of his family neither of us know that will think its their right to pass baby around whether we want that or not. Think i'll put him in a sling so noone can get to him image
  • sorry to crash your thread (and i dont want to offend or be rude) but please dont let bubs be passed around at the wedding, it will only upset him/her and you as well. our lo hated it at our wedding and was really unsettled for days after.

    having said that, we left him with grandparents when we went on honeymoon, he was brill and got spoilt, and nothing bad has happened... BUT i think it gave off the wrong impression - hubbys mother has just bought a big cot for when he stays with her...... he wont be doing again!!!!! she wants to fuss and spoil all the time, and comes up every weekend to see him even making hints about not seing him when ive politely asked her to stay away....


    xxxx
  • Stephe I have no intention of having people do the 'pass the baby' thing. Hubby and I are totally agreed on that, and we don't plan on allowing people to pick up a sleeping baby (at least I know my mother agrees on that one!!) or allow random strangers (strangers to baby) to just come and grab him..its not fair and its not right. hubby knows i'll be on edge anyway at the wedding when I don't really know anyone there - it'd only make me worse if all these people i don't know are trying to grab the baby.. the only people he is bothered about making sure get to hold the baby is his grandparents.

    Even when we let parents come for visits, until he has chance to get used to their voices we won't just let them come grab him.. we want to be the ones to hand him to anyone who holds him.

    And...the mil every weekend..poor you stephe!! at least hubbys parents live far enough away that that won't happen..i'll just have my parents who'll be trying to come all the time.. they are bad enough as it is at the moment...keep coming round on sundays when its the only day we have off together. fortunately they are at my brothers again helping him do up his new flat so we have a weekend off!!
  • I've just had a read through this thread and I think u are all very brave to take on parents/in laws. My eldest is 6 and my parents have never listened to a word I have said.

    My two go to nannies and even if it is just before dinner she lets them eat biscuits- not just one they are allowed to help themselves. They gulp as much juice as they like during dinner- what little they eat, then they get ice-cream or cake and more biscuits if they so wish- even if they hardly youch their dinner.

    When she has them overnight they stay up till all hours. The thing that bugs me the most is that my mum and dad will say to the kids don't do that in case your mummy sees you or eat that biscuit quick and don't be telling mummy. My dad swears in fornt of both of my children regularly and he smokes around them.

    I have had countless arguments with my parents but they never listen to a word so I just have to go along with it. Nightmare.

    Don't get me wrong I love my parents dearly and they are very good to my kids in many ways but I just wish they would respect my wishes to teach my children to respect me rather than teaching them that it is acceptable to go behind my back.

    Sorry for the long rant but in fairness I have been coping with this for six years aaaahhhhh
  • Im just catching up on the days posts and I must admit am reading this pleased that I am not the only one who feels this way. My mil told me that everyone would try and tell me what to do and that I should do what I want, then 2 seconds later started telling me what to do!!! My biggest argument at the moment is that fact that I want first 4/5 days at home with my husband and babies, with no vistors. My husband works away Mon-Fri and that 1st week will be precious time for us, especially as he will be going back after 10 days. My side of the family have excepted this, however his side havent and said that they will come round regardless!!! Mil lives 120 miles away, so if she takes a drive then she will be very disappointed. Ive told her that if she does drive down in that 1st week, then out of principle I will take the babies to my mum until I know she's left to go home....Have also told sil that if she knocks then I will shut the curtains and not let her in. They think im joking but have warned them not to try it, coz I aint joking. Wishing you all future luck with your familes!! xxxx

    Debs
    17+4
  • i am so pleased you all replied as i felt bad and thought i was gonna get some mean responses! how wrong was i! i do feel bad but like u guys have all said, ya dont want people in your face after u have givenbirth. time to bond and recouperate would be lovely but i dont think im gonna get it. and im also scard that its all gonna overwhelm me and upset me and get me down cos i just want it to be the three of us not visitors all day every day. i havent got to worry bout mil cos we dont talk to her but my mum is across the road and ive got lots of keen neighbours... grr!

    good luck everyone
    holly
    35 weeks
  • You've done well coping for that long kthom without falling out with parents!! Thats why I'm planning on laying down the law from day 1 because otherwise I will end up falling otu with parents... I already know that if I end up giving baby a dummy and I let my mother take him out then she'll have the dummy off him and refuse to let him have it whether he wants it or not and I'm not having that.

    I will cut off contact with parents if necessary - I've done it before. I live in hope that one day they will learn to respect our wishes!

    Tuppence - I'mg lad you posted that you wanted a few days to yourselves..thats what we want too and people seem to think we are crazy, and FIL has already announced his intention to ignore this. I'd be fully prepared to refuse to let them in if they do ignore us and turn up but I think they might manage to guilt trip hubby. He is planning on telling his parents again that we don't want visitors and I hope they listen because I don't want to have problems between me and hubby because of other people disrespecting our wishes.

    Someone I work with told me that her sister used to put a sign up ont he door saying 'mum & baby sleeping please do not disturb' which apparently worked. Me..I'll just unplug my phone and take the batteries out of the doorbell!!

    Like you said holly, you don't want people in your face straight after a birth.. its the baby, you and oh that are important..and looking after a newborn is going to be tiring enough without having to make polite conversation for hours on end too. At least I know with my friends they will not outstay their welcome or I can just leave them to entertain themselves. I think you just have to be firm and keep insisting no visitors - that might at least work for the neighbours - can you not give your mum a time that she can come over and must be left by if you don't want to completely fall out with her.
  • While we're all having a rant, I hope it's ok to join in... I am one of 4 children & my OH is one of 7. You can imagine what our house was like after the baby was born - like a bleeding circus. I tried to politely tell people that I wanted time for just the three of us for a few days but it fell on deaf ears. We had brothers, sidters, aunts, uncles, mums & dads here from 10am until midnight nearly every day for 6 weeks - aaargh!!! Now I have to try & keep people happy by going to see everyone fairly. To be fair my parents are chilled out & let me do my own thing but MIL makes comments if I haven't taken baby to see her for a few days, she only lives round the corner. Yesterday she even said that she feels as though Ruby is her baby & she misses her when I take her home, I bit my lip so hard that I nearly broke the skin!!!
    Sorry about that, I feel a bit lighter now I've let off some steam.
    Hope all of you have luck with your families & put your foot down - You're the Mum.
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