He wants time apart


Well the title is relatively self explanitory, but my husband has txt me whilst i was driving to work this morning saying he wants time apart?! not really sure what else to write, I don't understand why I haven't done anything wrong that he has said of, we have been getting on really well and not arguing then this morning he was quite quiet and I asked him if he was ok and he said he was and gave me a kiss goodbye, now he is txting me telling me something doesn't feel right and I don't know what to do. I don't know if time apart means like a week or if it means he is leaving, cos if he is leaving i'm f****d I have somedebts that there is no way I can afford to pay back we have just started a new tenancy agreement on our flat, i'm so confused. We have only been married 2 months for christs sake I will look like a right twat if he leaves. I'm just sitting at my desk at work crying and typing and my head is spinning. Now he is saying he doesn't believe the baby is his which is the biggest loads of bollocks going seeing as we were ttc for 7 months it's not like i immaculatly (sp??) concieved.

I really don't know what to do image image :cry:



  • God Caza that stinks, I have no idea what Time apart means either. It seems like a ridiculous time to be getting cold feet, how long you been together? How far along are you is it early days and he is having a crisis?

    Sorry I am no help, just seems like a big thing for him to decide over night?
  • We have been together for nearly 2 years and married since december, I'm 18 weeks pregnant and one minute he is happy and the next he is asking me whos it is which really upsets me when he knows we were ttc for 7 months. I keep asking him what the problem is and he said something just doesn't feel right which isn't much of an explanation, I said to him that maybe if something doesn't feel right with him then maybe he has a problem rather than thinking i'm always doing something wrong, and that he should control his paranoia. I'm so confused and feel quite lost I don't really know whether I'm coming or going.
  • Aww hun, please try to be strong. When you get home you need to confront him and ask what the hell is he playing at? Sit and talk through both sets of worries calmly though.

    Maybe he feels that things are moving too fast i.e you recently got married and sometimes it takes a while for news such as a new baby coming to sink in. He may also be worried about fatherhood responsibilities like money problems and being a good role model and saying he's not the father is like an easy way out and escaping from reality.

    Try to reassure him of how he will make a loving father for your baby and how you'll need eachother through this difficult, but exciting time.

    Remember - you both have so much to look forward to and it will be so much more fun and sharing special moments will mean the world to you.

    Has he been to any scans with you yet?

    Karys 18+weeks.
  • Hey,

    I was 11 weeks pregnant when we got married and he constantly talks about how he would love to be a father, he says things to upset me on purpose like saying to me "how is your baby today" which makes it sound like I made bubby on my own or will say "when are you going to start looking for the real father" and I think thats an awful things to say, I never shout at him or get mad and I always try and speak to him properly but he gets unreasonable and it becomes impossible to have a decent conversation.

    He came to the 12 week scan and cried and our 20 week scan (although I will be 22 weeks) is in 4 weeks time and it was only yesterday he was saying how excited he was about it. Now this morning it has all changed and I can't understand why.

  • oh caz hon,
    im so sorry, why are men such idiots at times.....im sure he's just panicking as the reality is settling in but thats no excuse to be putting you under so much stress when you should be looking after yourself!
    i really hope you can sit down with him this evening and knock some sense into him...or is there maybe someone else who could speak to him on your behalf. maybe someone else pointing out to him how stupid he's being would sink in.
    sending you huge hugs hon, i really hope he wakes up and realises what hes doing!! sorry cant be any help whatsoever......be strong hon. x
  • I can only tell you what I would do and that would be tell him we need to sit down and discuss it properly together before we go on a break as you dont know why your having a break which means all the same issues will be there when you get back together and see what comes from that, you can then make a decision on where your heading and obviously he cant leave if you cant pay stuff alone as you signed up together you have to pay together, dont think he realises marriage makes most things both of your problems and if you default on anything joint it effects him.
  • sounds like he's hitting a point in his life where he's not sure he wants to be a dad at teh moment its a big responsibility and means his money and his time will be committed to a small person of his making it freaks a lot of men out as they like to stay kids and now suddenly they feel they gotta grow up (my oh thinks he'll have a play friend in his immaturity lol (means he can get scaletric) (NOT!!!) ) lol anyways ask him what makes him think you cheated? and why he'd think you'd cheat after 2 yrs of committing to him and him only! it could be called a male midlife crisis! he'll either get on with life or he'll get confused about whats important. but i'm afraid to say be prepared for the worst scenario. one he may leave you completely or 2 maybe he has cheated either recently or in the past and feels guilty and portrays it onto you and baby? not the best sounding thing but thats what springs to mind when i read your thread sorry...
  • Thank you for your comments ladies.

    Crochetmum I know that before he was with me he was with someone for 7 years and they cheated on each other constantly and that maybe he thinks that is what I have done too. Basically she cheated on him first and then he cheated on her to get back at her, I told him it was a stupid thing to do and he should of just left. Maybe the paranoia springs from that but I don't see why then he should take it out on me, all I ever wanted was to get married to the man I love and have his baby and now I have done that it all seems to be going wrong image

    I don't think he even realises how much he upsets me when he says stupid hurtful things. He has stopped txting me now and I'm not going to text him back, I'm just so scared of what I will do if he leaves, I never planned on being a single mum image

  • I dont know what to say babe! I think the men get horomonal problems too. Me and my hubby got married in August then split up in November after 3 1/2 yrs together but after a bit of space we are managing to work through it all. We have both admitted that splitting when we did probably saved our relationship because we can talk about anything and everything better now.

    The only difference though is he has never doubted that this baby is his, I cannot believe that your hubby could be so cruel. Maybe because it took you a while to conceive he got himself convinced that he couldnt have children but theres still no reason to be so nasty.

    Men are definately from Mars. We will all be here for you babe, and I think you should definately confront him to try and find out the problem.

    If you need any advice you know where we are.
    Take care Love Lee xxxxx
  • Hi Lee,

    Thank you image

    The reason he doubts himself is because his ex and him were having sex unprotected for 7 years and she never got pregnant, they then found out that she couldn't have children but she blamed it on him and convinced him that he couldn't. I told him to ignore what she said and that we would try and if it didn't work after a while we would look at going down other routes, but then it did work and now he can't believe it. He has had a pretty rough ride, a miserable childhood and quite unsettled home life, I did suggest to him that maybe conselling might help but he went mad at me for suggesting it, so now I'm stuck with how to help. I have always said he can talk to me if he ever needs to, but instead it seems he would rather push me away I try so hard to make him feel confident and special but he is insecure and ens up throwing it back in my face. I love him so much and 98% of the time he is a wonderful caring man and then he just looses the plot and I get all the verbal abuse image

  • Hey

    At this point in your life when things go wrong it just feels like everything will fall apart. You need to stay close to family if you can and let them help you. It was silly and very childish of him to just text you. For heavens sake.

    I would say everything is going to be ok and that they just get like that. But I had known my husband 6 years. I wanted to try for a baby. ut he thought we weren't ready. We split and after seeing a girl for 6 weeks he was over the moon that she was pregnant. It just shows that sometimes you cant predict how they react.

    It also sounds to be me that cause you dont answer back he likes bullying you. Thats wrong and I dont see why you are putting up with it. If he thinks that something is not right you should sit down and talk like adults. Not have digs at each other(or him doing it to you rather)

    If you feel you need to go see a friend to talk then I reckon you should do that. Or go see a family member. You need the support now more than ever. And if need be he can wait for a DNA test (if it comes to that) and when it's positive, you give him the biggest middle finger from all of us.

    This is stupid and what he is doing is very wrong. And the word coward springs to mind as he couldn't even speak to you face to face about it.

    I think becoming a dad and not being able to cope is used much to quick. Just cause we give birth and we carry the baby doesn't mean our lives wont change. We are affected just as much. Even more so if you ask me.

    Good luck in whatever it is you decide to do and report back to us. At least we can sympathise with you and try to be the shoulders you can lean on.

  • Hey Tash,

    I told him if he was that paranoid we could have a dna tests and I would prove to him that I haven't cheated on him, but why should I? he should trust me, I'm his wife for christ sake and I have never done anything to make him suspicious of me. We had a row about it the other day and I said we could have the dna test and then by the end of the row he said he didn't want it, mixed signals or what.

    I never say anything to him thats mean, I only ever ask him why he is behaving the way he does. The problem with me is I can't argue, I hate it so much I had to deal with my parents screaming at each other for the whole time when I was younger that whenever it looks like an argument is coming I just burst in to tears, I am constantly looking for what I have done wrong and I'm confused as I can't work it out, I try and be the best person I can but it never seems like enough. When he is happy he says he has everything he has ever wanted, A wife/house/child/love etc and tells me he is scared of loosing it, and then he gets in one of his moods and says he is leaving, how does that make sense.

    Sorry for babbling on girls just a bit upset, if I try and say anything more to him he will make it out like i'm "going on" at him and that it's my fault so I'm not going to say anything, he will probably ring me to say sorry in a couple of hours like usual.

  • Hi sweetie,
    your not on your own, I am having problems with my x which are about the same as yours. I dont know what to suggest other than you need to talk to each other.
    You know where we all are
  • no one ever plans to be a single mom.... the other day imy OH prety much accused me of being with another man! i wouldn't mind but i've NEVER cheated b4 and yet he was a player b4 he met me and yes i have wondered if he had cheated on me but only voiced once at the beginning i know he loves me but because of his past it makes him insecure... i wouldn['t mind but i tell him when one of my mates is flirting playfully with me so that if he ever saw the text i wouldn't get accused of cheating lol back fired lol he asked me when i 'd walked out (after an arguement about landlady) if i'd gone to his! i was round my mates mom's with my mate coz i was upset walking the streets pregnant and with SPD! he never has the back bone to walk off to calm down he makes me go off so he can cool down then wonders why i ignore his calls!
  • Hey Poppet.

    I just feel really bad for you. I want to scream at him for you. I guess I'm the complete opposite to you. If my bf was to make me feel crap he would know about it straight away.

    But everyone is different and if this is the way you choose to deal with it then it will be best for you and the baby. Screaming and shouting at each other will not be good at all.

    He does sound quite moody. And it's those men that get onm y nerves cause they are worse than females. My bf is like that till I answered him back one day.

    He did shape up a bit after i mentioned being a child,female and a wimp. And I think i threw in the cycle or that time of the month. And that I thought it was time for him to grow some balls and get over himself.

    Cause I dont want to be the one explaining to his child daddy chickened out. He came out his daze then. It worked for me but maybe it wont for you.

    I guess what I'm saying is. Everyone knows how to handle their man. But I do hope for his sake that he will pull himself together.
  • Oh CazA, what a shame. Just a tthe time when you really don't need it, men are really muppets sometimes, eh?! Sounds like cold feet to me but also sounds like maybe he is not that nice to you some of the rest of the time too? And bit below the belt texting you rather than face to face.
    Wait till tonight to speak to him, if he calls just tell him you'll speak to him later cos it's not good to be upset at your work (or tell work you're not feeeling well and head for home?)
    Hope it all gets sorted out for you, sounds like he's behaving like a big baby. Mel x
  • i'd say you need to say to him either you get councilling or some form of help or you'll not see the child due to being unstable! it might shock him one that you spoke up and 2 that you perceive him as unstable. the most loving of men are great but it the Mr Hyde thats the problem! My OH has never questioned where i am up until recently coz he knows i don't often go out and i'd rather stay at home and crochet lol (yes i'm old b4 my time already finished baby's first blanket it was my first attempt and i'm well chuffed) he hates that he feels he has to stay in but i have always said go out and then he says where (lol use your brain man!!!) i usually reply do i care where you go just go out and stop pestering me lol! he never does he hates going out even to his parent without me lol (although i have managed to train him to go there alone hahahaha)

    I'm a very home based lass who also hates arguing but i'll stand my ground (only now!) because if i can't stand up for me who will and who will stand up for baby when they appear! i've learnt that if i don't say aanything what i think doesn't come into the equation and choices get made without me and i feel bad knowing that. crying doesn't help defuse situation only prolonging it maybe its something that he gone to say in an arguement but you fended it off in tears and like most men he doesn't know how to cope with tears?
  • Men are weird image

    He hasn't text me for a while now so I am just going to leave it, at least I have stopped crying and people at work aren't hassling me about why I am sad.

    It makes no sense to me why he is being like this, do you think perhaps If he won't sit down and talk to me sensibly I should write it down for him, I have done this before after we had a row and it seemed to help. I want him to be able to talk to me but if he can't perhaps communicating through writing will work.

    Do I sound like a whingy wife lol cos if I do i'm sorry.

  • Unfortunately before I met hubby I was in a relationship that ended really badly, I got verbally and mentally abused by my ex as well as horrible things happening that I don't really want to talk about, at the same time this was happening I was being stalked by an older guy from work and ended up having to get an injunction out against him and he is now in a mental institute, I lost my confidence and don't have the ability to stand up for myself as I'm scared of ending up alone, I don't talk to my family about it as I don't want to look like a failure, My dad hasn't even asked me how I am since I got pregnant so I'm not expecting a huge amount of support from him, I have tried talking to my mum and she has said "well we did say maybe you should have waited longer to have a baby" which wasn't the most helpful comments. I come accross as an outgoing bubbly person but really i'm terrified of people and confrontation, the one person who I want to protect me seems to be turning against me but whenever he is not moody he says he will always protect me, so I get confused.

    Rambling again image

  • Call his bluff and tell him fine, let him realise what a mistake he would be making to leave a strong independent woman, it's so much better than crying and begging him (and that will only upset the baby). Be strong and just carry on as normal without him. If he's gonna leave you he'll do it anyway, and if he's just having a panic he'll come to his senses a lot quicker.

    Sorry if this sounds really harsh- but he doesn't have any right to treat you like this and he needs to know that you're in control of your own life and can do it without him if necessary.
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