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i can't cope anymore

I have been crying for five hours straight. I go to bed at 11 after I finally get the kids in bed and settled. I try to tidy up the house and then go to bed. Ihaven't really slept in months to be honest. I work three 12 hour night shifts a week and have two daughter 3, and 1, and am 24 weeks pregnant. My job has been really stressful as it's hard physical work, and they have made huge cut backs to staff. So we are struggling to keep up with everything and everyone is paranoid about loosing their jobs. I was really sick for the first 18 weeks, and it's come back again. On the nights I'm not at work I'm either awake with one of my girls, or up vomiting. More recently I just seem to come downstairs at about 1 am and cry until the kids wake up about 6. I am doing two courses at the university, and I have exams in three weeks. My husband works during the day and to be honest is absolutely useless with helping me at all. I mean he's the sort that can't manage to move his cereal bowl off the table to the counter much less wash it up. I tend to all the house work and gardening as fighting with him just wears me out and I'm so exhausted. He also decided two weeks ago to start a course and he's away every week day from 8 - 21:00, as such he's made my working a nightmare as I'm rushing about trying to make childcare arangements. I just feel like I can't cope anymore. I just can't. I don't know what to do. On top of all this he's being deployed next month for eight months. He won't be here for our baby's birth and as such I'm moving back to stay near my mother, in Canada. Not that we get on well even but I just need anybody right now. So, I'm trying to arrange an international move six months pregnant with two toddlers, while studying and working. As from my money rant, I've had significant financial issues crop up, and my husband has just launched into a huge fight with his family which seems to be coming at us from every angle. I can't sleep, and I keep loosing weight. I feel so sick to my stomach and I feel like I'm no longer capable of functioning. I sit and try to study but I can't retain anything, and I'm worried about how this is affecting my kids. What's worng with me? I look around and everyone else struggles but seems to be able to make it through. I just feel like I'm falling. Is this depression? Or is it just because I haven't slept for four hours out of a twenty four hour period in months. Sorry to be such a moany cow, just everytime I wirte something up here it seems to feel less difficult.


  • i agree with worried hubby i would be a basket case too. you are being so hard on your self girl why take on so much??the two courses your on can you see your tutor and get an extention see if you can either put it on hold or do it when your more able time wise.
    as for hubby well he is being a selfish bastard sounds to me like your more like a single mum!!! and mabye you should just cut him out the equation (don't mean dump him but let him fend for himself) i had problems like this with my ex and decided to do just that i had a similar thing in the morning he would sit at the table waiting for hs cereal and toast and i would get it but he wouldn't evenput his dirty dishes in the sink so 3 days of using the same bowl over and over without washing it soon got him to the sink with it... have you thought about getting some help. mabye things like a cleaner for a few hours a week or putting kids to chilminder so you can catch up with your sleep (no don't use this time for course work or house work )get your shopping delivered wee things like that or 1 of the nights your not working get a sitter and go for an aromatherapy need to look after your mind and body and its time something gave so its time to prioritise babe ,easier said than done but its time.
    take care and ease up on yourself and the kids
    fea x
  • i so know but it was worth it lol..see why he is an ex eh??
    fea x
  • Thank youhighlandfea and worriedhubby, I know this all can and needs to be done but somedays I feel so overwhelmed. I had hoped it was just a blue day yesterday, but today seems just as hard. My husband laid two bombshells on me and I'm not even sure what to say. I suppose the first has history. I don't think anyone would be surprised to here that I'm not exactly dragging oh into the bedroom at the end of every day and waking up with the single intention of catering to his needs, and he's been on about that for a while. He's a twice a day sort of guy and feels neglected because well I try to make things happen for him once a day but frankly I am so unkeen it's ridiculous. Sex is the last thing on my mind. Now he's laying on the I'm going away unloved, and you know what happens then routine. The second problem he brought up and I'm livid about this is about his family. His sister came to stay with us and my three year old and her get on very well. She stayed over on five nights, four of which I worked. I had been surprised to be told by my daughter that her aunty had been sleeping in her room but I just let it go. Last night my husband says the reason why there is so much tension is because his sister had gone out clubbing three of the four nights I worked and brought home different men. According to my daughter they slept in her bed! I think I'm loosing it. I don't know who to beat with a stick, and who to yell at. I nearly threw my husband out last night because first I'm furious he let it happen, and have lost my sanity regarding the part were he "didn't think I needed to know". The fight with his sister at least is that one of these guys apparently stole my husband's wallet and he is mad at her over it? That's the only reason I was told. I feel like a stranger in my own home somedays. I can't believe my little girl has been through who knows what and it's only three weeks later I find out. I can't believe while I'm out not sleeping to earn money for us to live, my wage is what supports us because his wages are eaten up paying off his debts, that he wouldn't protect our babies. I've forbid his sister to ever see my children again, and I swear I'll hit her if I ever set eyes on the horrible grrrrr. Maybe this move to Canada is for the best. In an attempt though to show that I do see some positives in life, last week I was contacted by my publishing house and I've been sent the finally draft of my book, because my book will go to print on October 17th!!!! So amoungst the rubble I suppose there are still some positie things, though I'm not sure how to fix the things that seem so broken.

    [Modified by: abeasley on September 21, 2007 08:26 AM]
  • Hi there. Agree with worried hubby and also you should definitely view Canada as an opportunity to start again, and if your hubby wants to remove his head from his arse and start acting like a man with a family and pregnant wife then maybe you can start afresh as a couple...otherwise I would be so inclined to start a new life on my own.

    I do hope your book deal wont be used to pay off your husbands debt - like WH says a marriage is an equal partnership, but it doesn't always work out like that, especially if you are the main wage earner and a woman... I was personally stung by my ex and it cost me around ??100k because he was saw me as a cash cow and boy did I pay for it big can a man come off better in a divorce when I have my 2 children to support?

    Thankfully there is life after shitty divorces and I have married the most amazing man who is my total rock and soulmate and you know what...he treats me like the intelligent business woman I am...not a fact I have managed to start my own business now because of my hubby! We are also expecting our first baby together on 4th Dec.

    You sound like such a strong and dynamic woman and you need a dynamic man who will support and nurture your talents, stand by you and be your rock. Rather than someone who drains all the energy out of you.

    Sorry to go on...and please do tell me to b*gger off, but as much as children need both parents, the parents have to be happy otherwise it is just hell for the children.

    Wishing you all the best with your move to Canada and do rant as much as you need to!
  • My god ,Ive just read your comments abeasley and I have to say I thin your my hero.............. I carnt believe you do all this!!! But im going to have to agree with cally that I think you need to get away,and while your away give it some time and see how you feel. Sometimes when were sitting in shit we dont smell the stench. If you feel better as a mother and as a woman then maybe you need to ditch this this .............I dont want to be rude but my nicest comment is losser. Anything could have happened to your child that night. You must protect them from this and they need a happy,calm mum. Do wats best for you,but also for them.
  • I can totally understand why you're not sleeping. You poor love.

    Your hubby reminds me of my Dad - he was about as useless around the house and wasn't a very involved father. He's so selfish - always has been - and it's made my Mum very bitter over the years. I still resent his behaviour as well. I think my parents should have divorced years ago. You deserve so much better.

    Please don't feel you're the only one cracking up. People all around you are experiencing their own problems too but most tend to hide it. Perhaps some sort of support group would help? Have you told your story to your doctor or midwife?

    Do take care - you're doing an amazing job of keeping everything together. Much love, Jo x x x
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