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Upset-Advice needed
Hi all
This is going to be a totally randon post but I just really needed somewhere to come and tell my problem instead of keeping it to myself. I am 38+5 weeks pregnant & on Thursday I asked my mum when would she like to know i was in labour. ie when I get to hospital or would she prefer if we just called her & told her that her first grandchild had been born - I thought she would have liked this as I thought it would have been a nice surprise for her, unfortunately she doesn't see it like that & thinks that this is the most horrendous idea she has ever heard and cant think of anything worse than to be told her grandchild has just been born and instead wants to know when I have my first contraction. I explained to her that this may not be possible and I don't really want to make a fuss when I start getting contractions as I would like to stay at home for as long as possible. She then announced that she wants to come straight to the hospital when i go there and wait, I told her i didn't want this as I only want my partner & I to be there then whoever wishes to visit can do so. After her telling me she wasn't happy with this as she wanted to cut my babies cord as my partner doesn't think he will manage as he's quite squemish she said she wasn't having anymore to do with the whole thing and doesn't want anything to do with my baby, me or my partner. This has deeply upset & hurt me as I am the eldest of 3 children (23) and this is my first child, I was really looking forward to my mum being there for me and helping me out, my MIL will help me out no problem but it's not the same as having my own mum there. My two sisters who are 18 & 16 have now been told my mums side of the story and the 18year old has decided that I am the bad one in all of this and that I am trying to bribe them to have something to do with my baby. As you can imagine this upset me even more as I would never use anything against anyone to bribe them. I tried explaining to my sister this wasn't the case and explained my side of things but she wasn't having any of it and I was told she will "see me whenever & see the baby whenever", I have tried getting in touch with my mum to sort things out but I am repeatedly told don't phone again I meant what I said. I don't know whether just to leave it as it is and call her when am in labour or have my first contraction and arrange for her to go to the hospital - that way she will get what she wants and it will put and end to this argument or if I should stick to my guns and do as she says and not bother telling her when my LO is born. I've told her this is upsetting me but clearly she isn't interested in my feelings or the stress it's putting me under.
I'm really sorry for the long story, I just needed to come somewhere and tell someone who isn't my OH (his attitude is don't bother telling her anything and if she decides she wants to see LO then she has to apologise first - which I know she wont) but the longer this goes on the more upset I get. It doesn't help when my 18year old sister is texting me to tell me that my mum is really stressed because of this all and I'm making her ill with it.
Again sorry for the long story.
xx
This is going to be a totally randon post but I just really needed somewhere to come and tell my problem instead of keeping it to myself. I am 38+5 weeks pregnant & on Thursday I asked my mum when would she like to know i was in labour. ie when I get to hospital or would she prefer if we just called her & told her that her first grandchild had been born - I thought she would have liked this as I thought it would have been a nice surprise for her, unfortunately she doesn't see it like that & thinks that this is the most horrendous idea she has ever heard and cant think of anything worse than to be told her grandchild has just been born and instead wants to know when I have my first contraction. I explained to her that this may not be possible and I don't really want to make a fuss when I start getting contractions as I would like to stay at home for as long as possible. She then announced that she wants to come straight to the hospital when i go there and wait, I told her i didn't want this as I only want my partner & I to be there then whoever wishes to visit can do so. After her telling me she wasn't happy with this as she wanted to cut my babies cord as my partner doesn't think he will manage as he's quite squemish she said she wasn't having anymore to do with the whole thing and doesn't want anything to do with my baby, me or my partner. This has deeply upset & hurt me as I am the eldest of 3 children (23) and this is my first child, I was really looking forward to my mum being there for me and helping me out, my MIL will help me out no problem but it's not the same as having my own mum there. My two sisters who are 18 & 16 have now been told my mums side of the story and the 18year old has decided that I am the bad one in all of this and that I am trying to bribe them to have something to do with my baby. As you can imagine this upset me even more as I would never use anything against anyone to bribe them. I tried explaining to my sister this wasn't the case and explained my side of things but she wasn't having any of it and I was told she will "see me whenever & see the baby whenever", I have tried getting in touch with my mum to sort things out but I am repeatedly told don't phone again I meant what I said. I don't know whether just to leave it as it is and call her when am in labour or have my first contraction and arrange for her to go to the hospital - that way she will get what she wants and it will put and end to this argument or if I should stick to my guns and do as she says and not bother telling her when my LO is born. I've told her this is upsetting me but clearly she isn't interested in my feelings or the stress it's putting me under.
I'm really sorry for the long story, I just needed to come somewhere and tell someone who isn't my OH (his attitude is don't bother telling her anything and if she decides she wants to see LO then she has to apologise first - which I know she wont) but the longer this goes on the more upset I get. It doesn't help when my 18year old sister is texting me to tell me that my mum is really stressed because of this all and I'm making her ill with it.
Again sorry for the long story.
xx
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Replies
As much as we love our mums they can be a bit difficult and although mine has no designs on being at the birth she does tend to take all arguaments completely out of proportion and make it look like a personal attack on her. I tend to completely ignore this until she calms down and then it either blows over or we agree to disagree.
Sorry i'm not sure I have been of much help but I definately wouldn't change your plans and I am sure she will be unable to stay away from her new grandchild when it is born. If you can just ignore the arguament and concentrate on keeping yourself well and happy. Feel free to come on here and vent as much as you like if it helps!
No it's not out of character for my mum to act like this in an argument & she also makes everything out to be an attack on her. I think I will take your advice and stick to my orginal plan. Hopefully she will come round.
Thanks very much.
http://www.babyexpert.co.uk/index.php/chatroom/topic/14547
Don't cave in you are in the right! i know when i was having lo my mum was abit the same *not as bad though &she said she wanted to sit round in case hubby fainted or something & the ward wouldn't let her near me because of security so she ended up sitting in the restaurant for 5 hours!! stay strong i hope it all works out for the best xo
Definitely stick to what you planned and don't let her get to you or your sisters. This is one of the most special times there are and you should try and enjoy it as much as possible, its her loss if she wants to be ridiculous about it and ultimately she will be the one missing out not you.
Your H2B may be squemish at the mo but things change when you are in the delivery room and he may well want to cut the cord my hubbie did and he was adament that he was staying away from the business end, as it happens he watched my daughters head crown the works and wouldn't have wanted it any other way.
Best of luck, stay strong and just look forward to your georgeous little baby arriving
xx
At the risk of sounding harsh - I would just leave it to your mum to make contact for now - let her realise you are serious. You have to stick to what you say otherwise she could well keep pulling hte emotional blackmail all the time.
Sometimes you have to be harsh just to get a point across - Last year I pretty much cut off contact from my parents for quite a long time due to the way they were after my m/c ad the way they wouldn't respect my feelings - I had to because it was the only way I could deal with them - and now my mother thinks that everything is alright and we are best of buddies ..which we aren't.
You are in the right..you got to do what is best for you and your oh and baby... whatever that may be. We are going to have a similar problem - hubbys dad has announced that he intends to blatently disregard our request for no visitors for a week or so... he doesn't know how determined I can be- If I have to then I'll take the batteries out of the doorbell and unplug the phone so that they don't bother us and at the moment I'm in 2 minds as to whether to tell parents when I go into labour as I don't fancy them on the doorstep!
Hope things work out ok for you
Thanks again everyone for listening.
xx
I feel really sorry that you are being put through all this stress. I also cant believe how SELFISH and CHILDISH your mum is being!!!!!!
Ask her what happened when she had her babies - was her mum there cutting the cord?? I doubt it!
She obviously has deep issues but this is not the time for her to be throwing a 2yrs old type strop! She should be quietly supportive and just be there when you want her.
She has had her kids this is your time now, your baby - not hers and she has no right to dictate such things. She should be honoured that you even asked her what she would like - plenty wouldnt.
Do your own thing with your oh and at the end of it you will have the memory of a lovely, private moment when your baby is born with just the 2 of you, as it should be with every couple.
All the best.xxxx
I feel the same as you. I'm having my first and I don't even think I want to see the rest of my family until the next day. I can't be bothered with all these people visiting and taking my baby off me when I'm trying to bond with it.
Let us know how you go and I hope it all goes well. Try not to stress if you can, for your sake and the baby.
Getting back to your dilemma, if i was you i would buy your mum a nice card and write in it how you feel. Acknowledging her point of view also. I can have a rocky relationship with my mum at times and i have learnt the hard way! Say you understand what shes saying but..... and make a compromise.
I hope this helps. Just a word of advice. Its not worth falling out with her over it. Im not saying to give in, stick to what you think is best, but at the end of the day you will need your mum for support even after the baby is born.
Hannah
38+4
I think your mum is being a little selfish but like Hannah said, you are her baby and she probably wants to feel wanted and needed. My mum had asked if she could be at my daughters birth but I said no, that I just wanted it to be my oh and I for the delivery but that she was welcome to wait in the waiting room and come in as soon as things were sorted and cleaned up! As it happened, I had to have a section anyway and they wouldn't let her in anyway but she came in to see her granddaughter as soon as she had been cleaned up, weighed an d had had a feed.
You will probably need the support of your mum as soon as lo has been born, so try not to let it drag out for too long! I dont think you should give in though, just try to explain how you feel.
Lots of love and luck for whatever you decide to do.
xx
This is your baby, your life and your decision and like it or not your Mum should respect that. I have discussed with OH that he will tell Mum to come to the hospital when I give him the nod, I do not want her sitting outside the door for 24 hours waiting because it will stress me out more worrying about how she's doing.
I had to get quite strong with my mum the other evening and explain to her that there is no such thing as a 'normal' birth and we have no idea what is going to happen. It could be that I am there for 36 hours, could be that I am rushed into a emergency c-sec - who knows!
I think you should really not stress yourself at this time and concentrate on you and your baby. Ring her when YOU feel the time is right and I bet my bottom dollar she won't tell you to bog off then because she will be so excited about her first grandchild arriving!
Two last points: your OH doesn't have to cut the cord if he's squeamish - mine isn't going to either, there is no law that says they have to! Also, bugger your sisters, it's nowt to do with them either! Don't let them try the emotional blackmail trick either, You will only kick yourself afterwards if you let them.
Good luck!
Tracey
40 weeks 12 days
xx
I'm not in the same situation as you at the moment but I'm planning a home birth and my mum thinks that she and my dad are going to be stood round the birthing pool as I give birth - so I might well be when I tell her that's not going to happen. I tell you how she reacts when I get the courage to tell her! Hope your mum comes round hun, xxx
Can you not use the excuse of not enough space or that the midwife won't allow any mroe than one person or soemthing like that? Good luck telling her!!