Hubby Problems Part 2

Hey,

After feeling so wonderful the other day and thanking you all for helping me sort out my problems with my husband he has now decided he is going to leave me (again!)

Rather than fighting it I am just going to let him go, I know that may sound silly to some of you but I just can't handle the stress. Last night he called me a Lazy Bitch because I didn't get out of bed to put his phone on charge, I asked him to do it because my hips hurt and it was uncomfortable getting up, I didn't think it was unreasonable but he called me names again image I feel so empty I can't even explain. This morning he started asking me really wierd questions about my past (had a lesbian relationship when I was younger and he thinks it disgusting) and started saying that I would go back to women when I was bored of him etc (not true) and that I looked digusting with short hair as it made me look like a bloke, I answered all his questions even though they were odd and then I asked him if he was ok as I thought he was behaving strangely he didn't say anything so I asked him if he was moody, he then said "if you keep behaving like this i'm just going to leave" so I thought, here we go again, and I didn't say anything I picked up my stuff said see you later and left for work, He then called me and said he was leaving me, I said I wasn't going to fight with him as I don't like arguing but if he was going to leave he should know that he is legally bound to the flat and would still have to pay and that maybe he should calm down and we would talk it through later, He said something stupid like "I just tell them I don't know who you are" and I said "I'm not going to get into childish rows, just have a think about it and tell me later what you have decided to and we will work from there" and then I ended the conversation.

I'm not scared of being on my own just sorely dissapointed that this is happening I feel so sorry for my baby as I always promised myself I would be in a loving stable relationship to bring up a child, but things don't always happen like you want.

Do you think I handled this right? or does anyone who has been in this situation before now what I should do now? I never raised my voice to him and was very calm, I'm keeping all the texts he sends me as he has been known to get vicious and he has said before that if I leave him he would kill me (not sure if that was a threat or a passing stupid comment). I'm trying to stay calm and handling it as well as I can.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated ladies.

Thank you

C
xxx
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Posts

  • I cant believe it!

    It seemed to be going so well for you mate. He obviously has some deep-rooted problems and until he wants to work it out then there doesnt seem like anything you can do.

    I think you handled this spot on. You have tried everything in the past week to get this sorted and he just reverts back to his old ways. The stress on you and your baby just isnt fair and maybe you should just let him go - for your own sanity.

    Always here when you need a shoulder mate.
    Love Lee
    xxxxx
  • Oh poor you sounds like you have really been through the mill with him. As an outsider looking in I think all things put together he doesn't sound like he was creating a healthy and loving environment for you to be in. Most important thing is you and the baby and maybe you are better on your own. Threatening to kill you i don't think should be passed off as a stupid comment. Being on your own sounds like being better than in that stressful environment, especially just now. xx
  • Hey Lee,

    I can't believe it either, I don't know if it is an empty threat or if he is actually going to do it, in a way I want him to do it so he can see that I'm not going to beg him to stay. I have tried everything I can but it never seems to be enough. I am preparing for him to leave an have arranged to see the cab to see where I stand and what is best to do for the baby me.

    I'm at work today but unable to concentrate image

    He has just txt me saying he is moving back to his Dads at the weekend. I have text back saying "that is a decision you made on your own, I didn't ask you to leave and I offered to let you think about it but you choose to decide now" Because I know what he is like and he will go round telling people I threw him out. Lee do you have a personal email add as I need to talk to someone about something but I don't really have any friends to talk to?

    C
    xx
  • Hey mummym,

    Thank you for your comments - he makes nasty comments like that all the time but I just let them go over my head as I am so used to it. One minute he is the nicest man in the whole world and tells me he will always protect me and that he would be nothing without me, and then he flips over to this horrible jealous possesive maniac, why is that? (that might have been a retorical question, I'm not sure)

    I had a picture in my head of the perfect family but it looks like I'm not going to get that, I think I would rather be on my own, although he did say a while ago that if we split up he would take the baby from me because I am an unsuitable mother because I had a lesbian relationship when I was younger (how odd is that!) and that he would take me to court for full custody, would he be able to get that if I have done nothing wrong? I'm so scared I will loose my baby.

    C
    xx
  • he does not have a hope in hell! you have proof of his abusive behaviour and no judge in their right might would give him full custody.
  • I don't even know how I am going to pay the rent image he has just text me saying if I try and get the csa on to him then he will demand a blood test, I just text back saying we could have a blood test that isn't a problem but that he would be paying for it, and that maybe he should consider being involved in his childs life.

    C
    xx
  • Babe,
    Got your email - is it ok to reply to that email address! If not email with one I can contact you on!
  • hi hun im so sorry that he is putting you through this does he have any sort of mental illness i dont mean to be rude but the way he is acting does seem like he may have some sort of manic depression its just i know someone who has this and they can act this way when having an episode hope you dont mind me saying that i dont mean any offence.
    i do believe you will be better off with out him the stress on you and your baby must be awful and he should be supporting you not stressing you out hun
    men are odd creatures and they say we are hard to understand
    good luck hun and stay strong xxx
  • hi cazA
    i know its not my business and i hope you dont mind me commenting.
    First of all you seem like a very strong woman and although i dont know your husband i feel like this is frustrating him because his attempts at grinding you down with verbal abuse arent working so he is threatening to leave you ( because he isnt getting his own way, getting all the attention and having you run around after him like his mum) i think you have been very brave and have tried all means possible to resolve the issues in a calm and mature way to no avail.

    This is domestic abuse and i would perhaps worry for your safety ( if not just your sanity) now he has said he's leaving, i feel this is a game designed to upset you further and force you into submission by begging him to stay. he knows full well you are in a fragile state ( pregnancey makes ladies tired and hormonal and you need full support and love, he knows this and still persists in trying to break you down!!) and thinks you are not capabable of fighting his emotional blackmail.

    you have stood firm and are willing to let him go ?? he may see this as a rejection and he may get even worse. do you think he could resort to violence ?? i dont know him but to be safe i would never say never and if i were you i would be on my guard and believe you should discuss this with your close family as a precaution.
    finally....... i know you love him and want things to work but you know you are in an abusive relationship, you have tried but if is not your responsibility to endure his behaviour. you must now think of yourself and your baby and give yourselves the best enviroment possible. you can go on without him and with time find someone worthy of your love (if you want) remember, there is only so much you should put up with and i feel you have put up with enough.
  • Hey lee,

    you can answer to that email add image

  • Hi caz i feel for you ,you just dont need this at this time. You need to speak to some one at cab or at the department of work and pensions they should be able to point you in the right direction as what to do about finances etc
    I know its easy for me to say but by the sound of him you and baby are better on your own if he behaves like this, it must be terrible for you but just think that you are going to have a lovely baby soon and you will be able to do it.
    You need to keep all the texts he sends you and keep alog of dates, times conversations etc so you have proof of whats gone on if he tries anything and like the others have said no judge in the land would give him custody if he behaves like this. Keep strong for you and little one and if you need to talk you have a friend here. take care
    vikki xx
  • cazA i am feeling for you at this time. As vikki had pointed out keep a record of texts and conversations and make sure you let someone you trust know. He cannot behave like that apart from being illegal, threatening to kill someone its also downright stupid and very insensitive and offensive.
    Please make sure that you have somewhere safe to go and that you and your baby come to no harm. Take care and i hope you can sort this soon for your own safety and sanity.
    Filo x
  • Hi,

    I think he may have something wrong mentally but I have said to him before that if he wants we can go and have concelling together and that I would support him but he tells me to fuck off and that he doesn't need any help.

    I'm so scared of whats happening.

    C
    xx
  • Hiya, sorry to hear this has happened again. You can't even joke about saying things like 'i'll kill you if you leave me. That's not a joke. I think you'll be better off without his silly games for now. He needs to get himself sorted out mentally before he goes near you or your baby. If you feel you can't fully trust him, how can you feel safe around him?

    I'm sorry I'm unable to suggest much but I don't fully know the situation or your husband, but i know if my oh ever said anything like that to me I would feel like he was unstable and I wouldn't feel comfortable being with him after he said it - even if it was a 'joke'. He has mental issues aswell - he has OCD and has to take antidepressants to help him through the day, as he has obsessive thoughts. They are all irrational but its hard to explain to someone who lived with it so long that he's wasting his energy and tormenting himself.

    Like your husband he was possessive at the start of our relationship because every other one he'd been in they had cheated on him. It took a good year to get the message across that I wasn't going anywhere!!

    He knows for sure now because we have a 2 year old girl who's our life and soul and we all need to be together to have true happiness - this is reinforced with our 2nd child due in June. He is so protective of his family and he feels so strongly about us that he will do ANYTHING to prevent the slightest harm to us.

    I'm thinking that when your baby is born and is put into his/her fathers arms he will not be able to help the surge of love for the baby. And all his mixed feelings and doubt and silliness of the past will melt away. He'll see things in a whole different light. His baby will be so precious to him that there'll be no spaced left in his mind for the silly thoughts he entertained before.

    Wishing you the best of luck, Karys 20+4weeks xxxx
  • I have stood my ground and I'm letting him leave, I made it clear to him that it was his choice and that I never asked him to go and that I was willing to talk things through with him, but he decided he didn't want to do that.

    I think I am going to have to go to the cab and I have no idea what to do next.

    C
    xx
  • you could try getting down to the local housing office and asking for help, tell them the situation. there is also help from working families tax credits. i know your worried about your flat aand paying the rent but if you were to move out would you just lose your deposit ?
  • Hi,

    You are doing absolutely the right thing in the way you're dealing with this man - if you let him he will pull you backwards & forwards, which isn't good for you or your baby.
    I agree with what someone else said, it sounds very much as if he has mental health problems. I'm speaking from personal experience, as I wasted years of my life trapped in an abusive marriage with a man who has since been diagnosed with bipolar disorder (manic depression). He made my life an absolute misery, but I loved him & didn't have the strength to leave. He used to threaten that if I left him he would find me & take our daughter away from me. I kept it all to myself, no one knew what was happening, but now I look back & wish I hadn't wasted all those years that I can't get back.
    I promise you that things will get better for you, & think you're very brave to stick to your principles the way you are. I have a good life now, with a wonderful husband, & we're expecting a baby together. My daughter's 14. When I look back that life seems like it belonged to someone else.

    Sounds corny, but I'm a firm believer that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Good luck!
  • Caz is there someone close to you, you can tell how your feeling and whats going on, to make sure you are safe?
    Is there any where you can go till he leaves as you are scared and you shouldnt have to be, thats if he leaves this could just be him playing mind games with you,do you think he will become violent if you let him go and dont beg him to stay?
    thinking of you vikki xx
  • good luck with the CAB they should be able to advise you about who can help. Do you have any family who you can stay with in the short term if there is a problem? Filo x
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