Hi again. I have some contact details for you. www.womensaid.org.uk 24hour helpline 08082000247 This is freephone. Also, www.rightsofwomen.org.uk Domestic violence is dealt with by criminal law (this is what the police use). And civil law. The two are completely seperate and are dealt with by seperate courts. This is why you need your own solicitor. You can then apply for an injunction/ non-molestation order. Womens Aid can reccomend one that is used to dealing with domestic violence. And child contact with the abusive parent. Unfortunately, just because you don't want your children to have contact, is not enough. You need the law on your side. And the courts can organise supervised access. I would urge anyone who is in this situation to get help and advice. Physical abuse is often used with mental abuse and this is where you get worn down. Physical scars heal, but mental ones don't. Take care. xxx
Hi had to post. Dotty Deb is right you need your own solicitor. I work in law and you need a sol to help with your representation. The CPS have duties to the CT and you are classed as witness for CPS I believe. Legal aid is known as public funding now - go to www.communitylegaladvice.org.uk for list of solicitors in your area, it's means tested so they go on your earnings/savings and for this area of law you should be able to get some funding but remember generally legal aid is a loan not a freebie the sol will talk you through this. you might not need or want one for the trial but for afterwards to stop contact etc you will. Also if you have a house insurance policy you may have free legal cover with this known as legal expenses insurance (LEI) or family legal assistance policy. Good luck with the CT case - hope he gets sent down!
Hi had to post. Dotty Deb is right you need your own solicitor. I work in law and you need a sol to help with your representation. The CPS have duties to the CT and you are classed as witness for CPS I believe. Legal aid is known as public funding now - go to www.communitylegaladvice.org.uk for list of solicitors in your area, it's means tested so they go on your earnings/savings and for this area of law you should be able to get some funding but remember generally legal aid is a loan not a freebie the sol will talk you through this. you might not need or want one for the trial but for afterwards to stop contact etc you will. Also if you have a house insurance policy you may have free legal cover with this known as legal expenses insurance (LEI) or family legal assistance policy. Good luck with the CT case - hope he gets sent down!
Hi had to post. Dotty Deb is right you need your own solicitor. I work in law and you need a sol to help with your representation. The CPS have duties to the CT and you are classed as witness for CPS I believe. Legal aid is known as public funding now - go to www.communitylegaladvice.org.uk for list of solicitors in your area, it's means tested so they go on your earnings/savings and for this area of law you should be able to get some funding but remember generally legal aid is a loan not a freebie the sol will talk you through this. you might not need or want one for the trial but for afterwards to stop contact etc you will. Also if you have a house insurance policy you may have free legal cover with this known as legal expenses insurance (LEI) or family legal assistance policy. Good luck with the CT case - hope he gets sent down!
Thank you all for your advice louise1000469, are you saying i won't need a solicitor for the trial but i will when my ex gets out? (whenever that may be) the police have told me i don't need my own solicitor, and there is no way i'd be able to afford one, my ex left me in a lot of debt and i only work 16 hrs per week, i live month to month with no money left at the end of each month as i'm trying to get all my debts paid off i have thought about councilling but will wait until this is all over before i do anything about that
hi again. As Louise says legal aid is means tested and as you have exlained your circumstances, it sounds as if you would get help. Don't forget that alot of solicitors offer free advice for the 1st. appointment. If his family apply for access visits, you need to know where you stand, plus all the other issues involved. I urge you to get in touch with women's aid for help and support. They are so experienced. Good luck.
YOU ARE AMAZING! So brave and strong. An inspiration to many women on here too afraid to leave their partners. Luckily, my hubby is amazing and is a fantastic dad to our toddler... Stay strong honey, and good luck with it all. Not an easy situtaion with kids involved too x
I think that you are very brave maisiemoo I am lucky enough that I have never been the victim of dometic violence, i am however, a child of domestic violence and i wish to this day my mother had done what you are doing rather than living with it for 18 years. what my father did to her is very similar to what you are saying, as children I think that we always knew something was wrong, sometimes we witnessed it. I think that you are doing the right thing for you and your children, good luck x
I'm back, the trial is finally over and he got found guilty on all charges, he will be sentenced next month. i'm still feeling really numb about everything but i'm very glad to be feeling safe in my own home his dad phoned me up today, demanding to see the children and threatening me with legal action and grandparent's rights etc. i don't know what to do, they behaved appallingly in the court room, whispering and sniggering which just made my mind up for me about them really. i don't want them anywhere near my children, does anyone know if i can make this decision or do they really have rights over my wishes? they're just awful people, apparantly a few weeks before the trial, my ex was "thinking about pleading guilty" (isn't this an admission of guilt to his family?) but his mum persuaded him not to plead guilty! i know he's her son but if one of mine had done all that to not just one woman but 3?? oh i don't know but i thought it would all get better after the trial but they are going to make it all so much harder
Hi again. I'm very pleased for you that he has been found guilty, lets hope he gets a long sentence. Some people look at their children through rose coloured glass's. His parents don't deserve to see their grandchildren but they may have rights to see them, especially if they have had regular contact with them, before this all happened. This is one of the reasons I have advised you to see a Solicitor. If they do go to a Solicitor and are granted access to the children you may be able to insist on supervised access. Because you have concerns about their behaviour. You also need things in place for when he eventually gets out. Have you thought anymore about moving? I urge you again to contact Women's Aid/Refuge for help and support. You have alot to cope with on your own. I have been through the same experiences as you and come out the other side. My children (4 boys) are all grown up now and I moved to the other end of the country with them to escape the situation. They have never seen their father or his parents. (They never believed that their son would do anything to me, even though I had black eyes, bruisies and marks round my neck where he had tried to strangle me) It was tough on my own. But it was worth it. It's not just the physical stuff you have to get over, it's the mental scars that stay with you. So you may need councilling to help you aswell. Don't suffer in silence. Good Luck, lots of love, Debbie.x
omg you're such a brave lady and give me strength to get through my court case, thank you xx
my situation is different to yours as he was extremely violent on numerous occasions very earlier on in our relationship with numerous threats of cutting my face, going to stamp on my head and hurting my parents to name a few of the threats...
I have an alarm and feel safe now he's in prison on remand, but still feel scared cos he said he would send his mates round to sort me out. So I'm looking to move as soon as possible completely out of the area. He has his final opportunity to appeal for bail next week and I pray to god they don't let him out and he's due agian in court in May for his appeal I hope pleads guilty then I won't have to go to cout as a witness but I doubt that. He's never taken responsibility for anything in his life so why will he chnage now.
Police have told me he as a very violent history against other partners / wife and have classed me as high risk. I've also found out I'm pregnant and I just want to run for the hills, I don't want him to know as he already as a child and as been violent to the mother on many occasions I have since found out.
I just hope he pleads guilty so he will then be sentenced otherwise it could be sometime this year, which would be okay now cos you can't tell I'm pregnant but if it was Oct I'll be 8 months pregnant. I know some people look not like the fact I don't want him to know and I understand that as I have always been pro father, but the thought of having him my life just scares the hell out of me and I do feel gulity for this and I'm syill bloody smoking cos I'm so stressed. So thanks for sharing you have given me strength big hugs
Debbie right counselling is great it really does help.
[Modified by: Crazylegs on April 19, 2009 08:21 PM]
Hi crazylegs. I applaud you for being so strong. Make sure you take care of yourself. My Ex, too was extremely violent and I put up with it for years. (We were married). I could write a book about what went on. One of the reasons I moved to the other end of the country was because he had made loads of threats and I knew I would always be looking over my shoulder and no one can live like that. I was on my own from being 5 months pregnant. I spent 9 months in a women's refuge waiting to be rehoused by the council because we owned our own house. One of the things I was then able to do was apply to the court to keep my new address off of all the documents, so he could not find out where we were. So talk to your solicitor about this. (It took me 2 years to get divorced). Men that behave like this towards their children's Mother, give up all their rights to be a father, as far as I'm concerned. I guess I was lucky that the Judge I went before did not give him access to my Children because of his violence. Unfortunately, if he gets access, he will find out where you are You will manage on your own, it's amazing where you get the strength from. Get as much support as you can and definately, definately get a Solicitor. xxx
The thing is I just don't want him to know full stop. I'm just worried about what I'll do about the birth certificate, I don't think the law as changed yet where I defo have to give his name. I'm not sure about the solicitor cos if I want to do anything about it won't they contact him to advise?
I won't need to contact csa etc as i work full time and have a good job and great parents, he's not from were I live so I'm hoping he'll just go back home which is the other end of the country. I've been told today the court should be pretty soon as he's on remand so hopefully I won't be too far gone but i've asked for a screen etc in court so he can't see me.
Maisiemoo - I am SOOOOOOO pleased he has been found guilty. After the 18 months you have been posting on here and the trauma of having to deal with the court case and everything else, I think that you are amazing.
Your boys will be so proud of their mummy. What an amazingly strong and courageous woman you are.
I wish you all the best for your future and hope that monster rots in jail.
Crazylegs - I completley understand why you don't want your ex to know about your pgnancy. Don''t feel bad. I am very much pro father but violence and intimidation to the mother must not be tolerated. You deserve to bring up your child in an environment where you feel safe. It will only have a negative impact if you don't.
Good luck for the court case etc.
Take care both of you brave women (and all the others who posted on here with their stories).
Hi, as far as I'm aware if he's not there when you register the birth, you don't have to put his name on the birth certificate. It will say, father unknown. Which is something you need to think about for when your child is grown up enough to ask about their father. I always found honesty to be the best policy when mine were growing up and asked questions. But it also affected them, knowing that their father was so violent. (afterall, this person helped 'make' them). It's your babys heritage afteralI I think you should get some legal advice. A session with one to get advice does not mean they would contact him at all. Only if he got his own solicitor, would that be the case. And then they have to do what you want them to do. There's always the risk that he may find out over the coming years that you've had a baby. Does he know where your parents live? xxx
Hi i know this is an old post but i read it while happening but everyone gave good advice so i didnt add to it i just wondered how life was going for you and your boys now?
Replies
I have some contact details for you.
www.womensaid.org.uk 24hour helpline 08082000247 This is freephone.
Also, www.rightsofwomen.org.uk
Domestic violence is dealt with by criminal law (this is what the police use). And civil law. The two are completely seperate and are dealt with by seperate courts.
This is why you need your own solicitor. You can then apply for an injunction/ non-molestation order. Womens Aid can reccomend one that is used to dealing with domestic violence. And child contact with the abusive parent. Unfortunately, just because you don't want your children to have contact, is not enough. You need the law on your side. And the courts can organise supervised access.
I would urge anyone who is in this situation to get help and advice.
Physical abuse is often used with mental abuse and this is where you get worn down. Physical scars heal, but mental ones don't.
Take care. xxx
louise1000469, are you saying i won't need a solicitor for the trial but i will when my ex gets out? (whenever that may be)
the police have told me i don't need my own solicitor, and there is no way i'd be able to afford one, my ex left me in a lot of debt and i only work 16 hrs per week, i live month to month with no money left at the end of each month as i'm trying to get all my debts paid off
i have thought about councilling but will wait until this is all over before i do anything about that
Luckily, my hubby is amazing and is a fantastic dad to our toddler...
Stay strong honey, and good luck with it all. Not an easy situtaion with kids involved too x
[Modified by: MrsV on May 01, 2010 04:16 PM]
i'm still feeling really numb about everything but i'm very glad to be feeling safe in my own home
his dad phoned me up today, demanding to see the children and threatening me with legal action and grandparent's rights etc. i don't know what to do, they behaved appallingly in the court room, whispering and sniggering which just made my mind up for me about them really. i don't want them anywhere near my children, does anyone know if i can make this decision or do they really have rights over my wishes? they're just awful people, apparantly a few weeks before the trial, my ex was "thinking about pleading guilty" (isn't this an admission of guilt to his family?) but his mum persuaded him not to plead guilty! i know he's her son but if one of mine had done all that to not just one woman but 3?? oh i don't know but i thought it would all get better after the trial but they are going to make it all so much harder
Some people look at their children through rose coloured glass's. His parents don't deserve to see their grandchildren but they may have rights to see them, especially if they have had regular contact with them, before this all happened. This is one of the reasons I have advised you to see a Solicitor. If they do go to a Solicitor and are granted access to the children you may be able to insist on supervised access. Because you have concerns about their behaviour. You also need things in place for when he eventually gets out. Have you thought anymore about moving?
I urge you again to contact Women's Aid/Refuge for help and support.
You have alot to cope with on your own. I have been through the same experiences as you and come out the other side. My children (4 boys) are all grown up now and I moved to the other end of the country with them to escape the situation. They have never seen their father or his parents. (They never believed that their son would do anything to me, even though I had black eyes, bruisies and marks round my neck where he had tried to strangle me) It was tough on my own. But it was worth it.
It's not just the physical stuff you have to get over, it's the mental scars that stay with you. So you may need councilling to help you aswell.
Don't suffer in silence. Good Luck, lots of love, Debbie.x
my situation is different to yours as he was extremely violent on numerous occasions very earlier on in our relationship with numerous threats of cutting my face, going to stamp on my head and hurting my parents to name a few of the threats...
I have an alarm and feel safe now he's in prison on remand, but still feel scared cos he said he would send his mates round to sort me out. So I'm looking to move as soon as possible completely out of the area. He has his final opportunity to appeal for bail next week and I pray to god they don't let him out and he's due agian in court in May for his appeal I hope pleads guilty then I won't have to go to cout as a witness but I doubt that. He's never taken responsibility for anything in his life so why will he chnage now.
Police have told me he as a very violent history against other partners / wife and have classed me as high risk. I've also found out I'm pregnant and I just want to run for the hills, I don't want him to know as he already as a child and as been violent to the mother on many occasions I have since found out.
I just hope he pleads guilty so he will then be sentenced otherwise it could be sometime this year, which would be okay now cos you can't tell I'm pregnant but if it was Oct I'll be 8 months pregnant. I know some people look not like the fact I don't want him to know and I understand that as I have always been pro father, but the thought of having him my life just scares the hell out of me and I do feel gulity for this and I'm syill bloody smoking cos I'm so stressed. So thanks for sharing you have given me strength big hugs
Debbie right counselling is great it really does help.
[Modified by: Crazylegs on April 19, 2009 08:21 PM]
I applaud you for being so strong. Make sure you take care of yourself. My Ex, too was extremely violent and I put up with it for years. (We were married). I could write a book about what went on.
One of the reasons I moved to the other end of the country was because he had made loads of threats and I knew I would always be looking over my shoulder and no one can live like that.
I was on my own from being 5 months pregnant. I spent 9 months in a women's refuge waiting to be rehoused by the council because we owned our own house.
One of the things I was then able to do was apply to the court to keep my new address off of all the documents, so he could not find out where we were. So talk to your solicitor about this. (It took me 2 years to get divorced).
Men that behave like this towards their children's Mother, give up all their rights to be a father, as far as I'm concerned. I guess I was lucky that the Judge I went before did not give him access to my Children because of his violence. Unfortunately, if he gets access, he will find out where you are
You will manage on your own, it's amazing where you get the strength from.
Get as much support as you can and definately, definately get a Solicitor. xxx
The thing is I just don't want him to know full stop. I'm just worried about what I'll do about the birth certificate, I don't think the law as changed yet where I defo have to give his name. I'm not sure about the solicitor cos if I want to do anything about it won't they contact him to advise?
I won't need to contact csa etc as i work full time and have a good job and great parents, he's not from were I live so I'm hoping he'll just go back home which is the other end of the country. I've been told today the court should be pretty soon as he's on remand so hopefully I won't be too far gone but i've asked for a screen etc in court so he can't see me.
Thanks for you words of encouragement xx
Your boys will be so proud of their mummy. What an amazingly strong and courageous woman you are.
I wish you all the best for your future and hope that monster rots in jail.
Crazylegs - I completley understand why you don't want your ex to know about your pgnancy. Don''t feel bad. I am very much pro father but violence and intimidation to the mother must not be tolerated. You deserve to bring up your child in an environment where you feel safe. It will only have a negative impact if you don't.
Good luck for the court case etc.
Take care both of you brave women (and all the others who posted on here with their stories).
xxxx